I am writing because I need help to stop crying. My heart hurts almost all the time. I don't know if it's planetary changes or me. Sometimes I think that lifetimes of pain are surfacing to be released. I have had much pain this life-daughter passing, trauma from abuse and accidents, poverty, addiction and more...I also tend to carry the pain of others...my heart is always breaking. We are poor and raising grandchildren. It feels like there will be no relief and I'm overwhelmed not knowing if I even want to keep trying.

Then with the pain is much rage at the unfairness of it all. Life was never promised to be fair and I can't believe I'm feeling this way. The thing is, it doesn't end, these hurting things happen one right after another. Now it's the financial and this all consuming pain/rage. I'm 53 and don't want to take care of people anymore. I don't want all the hope for change resting on my shoulders anymore-I husband is disabled.

I cry all the time, feel like an idiot, but I'm just tired. I used to always be the hopeful, faithful, optimistic one, it's hard now....

I love my family, and it hurts to not be able to take care of them. It hurts to be this angry-they didn't deserve to loose their mom-my daughter. I'm sad that they have to be raised by such a sad grammy. I want them to have the things they need and some of what they want. My husband worked at the same job for 30 years and got cancer. He is recovering-for that I am grateful. But he can't work anymore and just wants what he worked for. We won't know for over a month if he gets it or not.

I just need to be stronger and try to be brighter for my family... Blessings, M.

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Dearest M.,

You have done much in your life to help and take care of others. Now it is time for you to let yourself be helped by God in relation to healing your heart. The underlying anger and bitterness you are feeling were there all along beneath the desire to preserve a bright and optimistic exterior, partly for yourself and partly to support others. Yet true healing and a deeper relationship with God requires that these feelings of mistrust in the goodness of life be healed along with all the rest.

Your life has presented you with many challenges and with the pain of a deep loss. It is under these circumstances that you need to go deeper in your desire to bring your pain and anger to God for purposes of healing. It is not enough to just deny or do away with your anger and sadness. They need to be truly healed through your reconciliation with God in the presence of difficulty.

You may feel that this is not something you can undertake. You may feel that you do not have enough energy or trust to know how to make of all the difficulties, tragedies, and losses, a feeling that life is good. Beloved one, it is not you that needs to make this conversion. You need to bring your pain, distress, and anger to God, exactly as they are and exactly as you are right now, and to ask for healing. Divine compassion understands these feelings that you are having and does not ask that you do away with them. What is needed is for you to approach God in your pain, with your pain, and ask to be shown how to heal. This willingness to surrender your pain and anger to God and to trust just enough so that you are willing to think there might be something good that could come out of the process - this is the begining of true healing.

Your grandchildren, also do not need a superficially happy or optimistic grandmother. They need a grandma who is strong and real and who can teach them about how to have a relationship of trust with God, even in the presence of sadness. From the place that you are now in, you can teach them many things about what it means to be a child of God. In a way, this is why they have come to be with you, not just for you to take care of them physically, but for you to take care of them spiritually.

Therefore, be who you are, beloved one. Do not do away with the feelings that you are having. Bring them to God, over and over again as the pain, anger and sadness arise, and continue to ask for healing. This asking in the presence of pain will initiate a process whose outcome you cannot imagine at this point. Trust yourself. Trust the process. You are a soul and a child of God and your spiritual task now is to deepen that commitment and that understanding. This will be of great help also to those you love who will feel this inner strengthening of your connection with your soul. Blessings, beloved one. You are greatly loved - Julie Redstone