I don't know where to begin. I don't know if my life completely fell apart as a result of my doing, perhaps not being the best Catholic that I could be, or is it a result of people around me who believe in and practice "magic." Or could it be their evil thoughts and ways. I just don't know. As of now ( Ferurary 2009 ) I have been diagnosed with MS, which has caused my depression to deepen. In addition, I took a leave of abscense from work, because of the pressure caused by a "new supervisor" who heads our department in our school district. He of course is new, wants to make a name for himself, wants to impress, wants to be principal one day and he will stop at nothing to make himself "glow." As of today I have not worked in 6/8 months results:

* I am at the point of loosing my home
* loosing my car
* I have lost my health insurance
* I am loosing my mental and physical health
* I loosing all hope if I have any remaining hope it's almost hit rock bottom
* I in my early 40's and I cannot believe this is happening to me
* I do NOT blame GOD because all this downward spiral happened in a matter of 1,2,3
* I was getting better with the help of my doctor earlier last year, but this man completely threw me of my path of healing

Now it is early January and I am at a complete loss, so much so that it really hurts to continue on. It really hurts to live, here in my chest it hurts.

Please pray for me, please pray so that things will turn around, so that things will get better. I really need your help/prayer I don't know what to do. To be honest I can't move or having any desire to do anything. Please help !!!! -- San L.

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Dearest San,

You are going through a trial of great proportions, yet the means to get through this time are within you. You do not know how you will live or even if you want to live, and yet the spark of hope in life is not dependent upon your certainty of how you will get by. It is dependent upon your recognition of your sacred soul which lives and wants to live no matter what the circumstances you encounter. This soul which is part of you has already chosen to live, even in the presence of pain, and is willing to bear what must be borne because it believes it is doing this on God's behalf. Your embodied physical self may not feel this because it is in pain, but your soul-self knows that God would not ask something of you that did not have meaning or purpose.

Try to understand that your happiness does not depend upon the things that you are losing but on the things that remain within you. These things cannot be tarnished by physical illness, emotional fatigue, or the loss of money or job. The outer life may be coming apart, but the inner life can become stronger in the face of it.

It is this strengthening of inner life that your soul has chosen to experience in the presence of the outer falling away, and in the presence of pain and difficulty. Believe in your own strength and in your own commitment to God, for you have a deep spiritual well within you and you can draw from that well to face the adversity of this time.

There is no punishment in the things that have happened to you. Rather these events and circumstances have happened so that you could more deeply rely on the internal strength and gifts that you truly have. Know that you are blessed even if your outer life does not reflect this. You are a dedicated soul and a child of God, and so you shall come to know this ever more deeply if you look for the place of hope and light within you. All blessings to you, dear one. Julie Redstone